F5

I received a call on Wednesday of last week from a company I'm semi-aware of but haven't applied to yet. I think I was considering it. Or maybe not. I hadn't had time to think about it, actually. Anyway, I called them on my first lunch break on Friday and left a message with the time of my second lunch break for them to call back since I could only reach a voicemail. One of the main reasons I hadn't applied with this company was the fact there were no open position listings on any of the five or six different employment engines I've got my resume posted to. It didn't seem like they needed anyone for anything. I'd rather not waste my time if I can help it, so I didn't bother with it. Anyway, someone in HR for the company had seen my resume on one of those many employment sites and wanted me to interview for a position. My training at Propaganda, Inc. was in Week 3 with one week remaining. Training hours were Monday through Friday 0900-1800. The administration for this alternative company maintained the same work schedule. In order for me to interview with them, I would have to miss work at Propaganda, Inc. I was a little concerned about that prospect, but... not terribly.

	"When? Monday? Sure. 8am is brilliant. Two hours for the interview? I can do that." Propaganda, Inc. disagreed. "You can't do that." "I can't tell you in advance that I might be a little late coming in on Monday and then make up whatever time is lost that day? Which part of that can't I do, the being late on Monday or the making the time up?" "You can't do any of it. If you're going to be late, don't bother coming in. Come on time or don't come at all." "Well then. That's settled. See you Tuesday then." The interview began as a fairly standard interview for one basic position and developed into a first interview for another position entirely. Due to the technical nature of the position I talked myself into being considered for, I needed at least a second interview with a program director. This would happen the following day at noon. Again some concern, but not much. I smiled, agreed, and later called Propaganda, Inc. "Hey... about me coming to work tomorrow... Not actually going to happen as it turns out. Should we try for Wednesday?" "If you're not here tomorrow, you won't have a job here." "Oh. That's rather dramatic. Alright then. I'll be there Wednesday to turn in all company property currently in my possession and collect the first of my final paychecks."
Normally I would drag this out, build the suspense, whatever. I'll make an exception this time: I was offered the job. Huge surprise there. I knew that would be the outcome. I destroy interviews. I'm a very likable person with very employable qualities. The risk was definitely worth it. Tech support is a better fit for me than political fund raiser and fear monger. The only drawback is training class won't start for another two weeks and I'm officially unemployed again thanks to Propaganda, Inc's refusal to be even slightly flexible with the schedule this week. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to find something to entertain myself with in the meantime. One good thing about the new job is it has the same professional dress code as Propaganda, Inc. so I've got my wardrobe ready for October 31. Oh yeah. My first day is Halloween. Halloween! Trick or treat. That's freaking hilarious.
	I'm moderately excited about all the paid training I'll be receiving for this job. I can't wait to learn and know all sorts of technological troubleshooting bullshit. Freaking awesome. Can not wait. Super freaking excited. Also, it's more money than the other thing. I think I probably would have done this for less to just not have to go back to Propaganda, Inc. Actually, I know I would have. Don't have to think about it. The best part of this is the fact that I didn't have to do much of anything to make it happen. I definitely prefer being recruited to having to do the whole ridiculous job search song and dance - which wasn't getting me anywhere anyway. Anyway, I'm happy and soon to be employed again and I'll even probably be doing something I'll actually enjoy. I think I'll close with a little tech support humor. Enjoy.

Persuasion is just Coercion having a casual day.

	Working in a call center is... loud and annoying and incredibly boring. All of that is brand new information, I know. I was just as shocked as you probably are now. Brace yourself for another surprise: I'm really good at talking complete strangers into giving me their money. I wish I had known that before. I wouldn't have bothered with the job. I would have simply cracked open a phone book and started dialing numbers. I would definitely consider myself a charity case at this point. But, it's getting better. I'm no longer non-profit. That's a serious upgrade. Breaking even would have been an upgrade, actually. So, everything else is excess. Never thought I'd consider an extra dollar as excess. I'm getting used to living well within my means. It's about time, I suppose.
I average about 1500 calls each day. That is a ridiculous number of phone calls, I know. Nearly 80% of those calls end within a matter of seconds when the person hangs up on me in mid-sentence. This actually doesn't even bother me. I'd rather be hung up on than have to waste my time trying to convince someone that I'm not a con artist while I try to con them out of their money - whatever the magic dollar amount for the moment happens to be. I've only had a very few belligerent individuals, which is surprising. I might have one each day that either wants to heatedly and poorly debate the issue with me or just wants to release their stress from the day by screaming, ranting, and raving at me. It's much easier to deal with people like this on the phone than it is in person. It's almost not even real to me when it happens over the phone. I just don't care.
	I like the dress code. Let me clarify that: Now that I completely understand it, I like the dress code. There was some confusion on my part. There's about twelve pages that explains this incredibly elaborate dress code. It became painfully obvious on my first day of orientation that I had somehow misread the dress code and was only dressed appropriately for a female employee. It sounds much worse than it actually was, but it was still moderately embarrassing and awkward for me. Anyway, I've really missed being able to dress up for work rather than down. I really do enjoy dressing the part. It compliments my pseudo-elitism and mock snobbery perfectly. To be perfectly honest, it just makes me feel better about everything. I also take everything a little more seriously when I'm dressed so smartly. It's impossible for me to ever take anything entirely serious, but this gets me as close as I'm ever going to get to absolute seriousness. Also, I look really good in this wardrobe, so... that's the only reason I need to do anything. I can be incredibly superficial and vain. But, you can't argue with the results. Presentation is everything when you're selling ideas. I mean, it's not like there's an actual product here. It's all make believe. I'm a magician, conjuring up dreams and lies and half-truths and propaganda and campaign slogans and party rhetoric and fear and hope... I'm a mathematician calculating and playing the odds. A prophet for profit, a silver-tongued devil paying lip service to your favorite cause or movement, a communicator. That's the politically correct term, by the way. We're communicators. I thought that was somewhat ridiculous. I know what I am and communicator is the very least of it.
This Tuesday is my first team meeting/potluck dinner. My new supervisor loves to cook and he organizes these events for his teams constantly. Participation, of course, is mandatory. I like the idea of it, I guess, just not the actuality. I have no freaking idea what I'm going to make/take for this. I'm still working it out. I have two days to figure something out. Also, the fitness center was a little disappointing. It might be slightly larger than the fitness room in the clubhouse for my community. I may still use it, but it definitely wasn't what I had expected. Serious let down there.
	"If you don't give me $200 right now... Obama is going to eat your baby!!! He may already be inside your home! But it's not too late, if you act now, we can stop him! I just need your 16 digit credit card number followed by expiration month and year..." Ok, not quite, but sometimes it feels like that. You wouldn't believe the things they pay me to say. I hardly believe it, sometimes. The scripts are... interesting. See also: aggro, intense, propaganda. There are some incredibly bold and horrifying statements that I make repeatedly throughout the day. I don't even hear the words I'm saying most of the time. Which is good, because I'd probably choke to death on my own bullshit. This has been a very educational experience already. I didn't realize how susceptible people are to scare tactics, sensationalism, fear mongering, propaganda, yellow journalism. It's as equally amazing as it is sad. It's almost like a parody or farce, but it's real. I can't reconcile the absurd reality of it.
I feel like a spy. I feel like I'm deep under cover and behind enemy lines. Everyone around me is ultra-conservative, highly religious, and militantly anti-... Well, anti-just-about-everything-I-am. It's awkward. I don't say too much to my co-workers. If they initiate conversations with me, I try to keep my responses short, impersonal, and vague. That relieves me from the burden of having to lie to everyone all the time. I'm the quiet guy who saves it all for his clients/donors. I honestly don't have a word to spare for anyone else, so this isn't inaccurate. After spending all day long on the phone trying to persuade people to part with their money, there's not a whole lot left of me. Also, I really don't want my personal life and professional life to even be aware of each other. They seriously need to be compartmentalized and segregated. This isn't a new approach for me, but it's never been more true or necessary. Not that I have much of a personal life these days. I sleep the majority of the time I'm not working. Unfortunately, I know my lines so well that I can and do recite them in my sleep. I have a lot of political dreams now in which I'm debating any number of issues with various celebrity guest opponents. I don't remember the identity of any of these famous speakers when I wake up, I just know they're all dead. I really don't want to know what that means, if anything. I hope it doesn't mean anything other than I'm completely psychotic or over-stimulated by the propaganda produced by my new employer. Speaking of which, I think I'll refer to my new employer as Propaganda, Inc. Very fitting.

I am Jack's lowered standards.

I had the interview for the telemarketing thing yesterday afternoon. I'm officially employed again. Huge shock. It seemed like an actual job interview. The woman asked me questions about my career goals, work experience, availability, and all that other good stuff. It definitely felt like an actual job interview. It wasn't though. It was a formality. It was all smoke and mirrors. I can't even imagine what the turn-over rate for that place must be. They seriously can't afford to not hire anyone, much less me. The system would crash. You have to feed the beast constantly to keep it from starving to death. It's basic math - and you know how I love the absolute efficiency of mathematics. You have to add more than you subtract, because you can't have a negative number of employees in a real world scenario. Also, if the turn-over rate is as high as I think it is, it's beyond my simple addition and subtraction balancing act. It's multiplication tables and long division. Obviously, they can't afford to not hire anyone - much less me. All I really had to do was show up, go through the motions, and accept the inevitable offer.

Despite all this, I'm still happy about having a job again. Any job is better than no job at all, especially after almost an entire year of unemployment broken up by incredibly short periods of failed training. Seriously, I'd have accepted any job offer at all if it started as immediately as this one will. Training starts on Monday. It'll continue for four exciting weeks. It'll be full time employment - both during training and after. That means full benefits almost immediately after completing the training program.

I'm also a little excited about the on-site fitness facility. I think that will be the best part of this new job. I'm definitely going to take full advantage of that perk for however long I remain employed with this company. I need someway to make up for how very little I'll be getting paid for this wonderful new job of mine.

I'm not actually a robot. I'm just wicked smawt.

I'm a little disappointed I didn't have a chance to talk about my orientation process before leaving the company. It was actually alot of fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was a little unhappy about having to share my hotel room with another hopeful future employee, but that turned out to be unfounded. He was still awake when I arrived at nearly midnight on Friday. Despite class starting at 7am the following morning, I purposely left home as late as possible in order to spend as little time as I could at the hotel that first night. Besides, I was insanely excited and nervous about my first day of orientation and wouldn't have managed more than an hour or two of sleep anyway. I just can't calm down enough to sleep the night before important events. This is especially true the night before job interviews, exams, and my first day of work/school. I was relieved that he was still awake when I arrived, because I didn't want to try to navigate the room in the dark or sit/lay there all night wide awake and waiting for the time to catch the shuttle to orientation. My roommate turned out to be a very quiet, polite, foreign man. His English was excellent, but we didn't talk very much. We both sat on our respective twin-sized beds and worked silently on our laptops all night. This was our routine for the entire week we were together. My only complaint is that he took nearly an hour in the bathroom every morning. After the first morning, I knew to take my showers at night. It was a simple matter of scheduling. Easy fix. There were no other problems. We were perfectly compatible.

The classroom time was mildly interesting. My favorite moment was when the classroom instructor actually used "mathematical anomaly" naturally and correctly in a sentence. I maintained a 100% average until the final exam when I actually made a mistake. I had prepared myself for this possability in advance and was able to accept it with minimal obsessing. Someone had a theory about my flawless success on the exams up until that point and even regarding my slight falter on the final.

"You have a photographic memory, don't you?"

I denied this, which only served to increase the intensity of his belief and awe.

"I knew it. There was a typo in the book, right? That's why you missed the question. It was worded differently or there was a mistake in the learning material. I get it. You're like a computer. Garbage in, garbage out. That's bullshit, man. You shouldn't be penalized for that. That's amazing. I wish I was like that. Do you remember every single thing? Right, nevermind. Froget I asked that. Of course not. You must have a way to only retain important information and purge all irrelevant data. Can you rewrite over data or is it copy protected forever?"

"I don't know what to say. I'm not a robot and I don't really want to talk about this anymore."

He knowingly winked and dropped the conversation, but I caught him on quite a few occasions staring at me in wonder and confusion after that. This guy was the only other person - except for me and my roommate - who wasn't from the Boston (Baw-stin) area. It was incredibly difficult to keep myself from mimicing that accent and bringing it back home with me, especially with them all calling me "wicked smawt" after the first few days of classroom time. It was just as difficult not adopting my roommate's accent. The fact that he didn't talk very much - way more than me, but still hardly ever - helped dramatically. I still caught myself a number of times matching his pronounciation and sentence structure. This tended to happen nearly ten times as much when conversing with the Boston boys. I was convinced I would never pronounce another r in my life by the end of orientation. Neva eva again. Luckily, that's not the case.

At any rate, the classroom was fairly standard and boring. I absorbed a great deal of useful information, however. There is simply no comparing this training program with the one I endured with the previous company. I'm not even inclined to refer to that experience as involving any actual training. It was just long and horrible. This was short and pleasant. They also provided us with the latest edition of the American road atlas and proper work boots which are both slip and oil resistant. Score.

The actual driving part of the orientation process was much more interesting, by far. My road instructor resembled actor Dean Winters (of Rescue Me fame and most recently known for his portrayal of Mayhem for the Allstate advertising campaign) in physical appearance, voice, and mannerisms. It was beyond awesome. I felt bad for my roommate when he was paired with the ball-busting asshole everyone hated/feared. Then I decided it was better him than me. He could fake a language barrier or something - which he later confessed to doing a number of times. I was very glad to have Mayhem. My first encounter with him was a little awkward, however. Actually, it was beyond awkard.

We had actually met the day before and reviewed mutual expectations for the driving evaluation process. This was the first time we were actually going to do anything involving moving a truck. I was a little nervous, but before I could even turn the key he said he needed a moment to address a personal matter. I replied that I was in no hurry and it was perfectly fine.

"It's unfortunate, but it just has to be done. Should only take a moment."

From his tone, I almost expected the phone call he was making to end with the conclusion of his current relationship. As innappropriate as that might have been, it would have probably been less awkward than what actually happened.

"Hello. I need to schedule an appointment for a feline euthanasia."

This, of course, made it incredibly difficult for me to maintain my composure. I bit my tongue and remained stoic. Unfortunately, poor cell phone reception made this increasingly problematic.

"I need to schedule a feline euthanasia! Euthanasia! No, I'm not calling about the youth of Asia. Why would anyone call an animal shelter to talk about that? That's ridiculous. Euthanasia for my cat, that's what I'm calling about. Right. I need my cat put to sleep. Ok, transfer me. Yes, I'll hold."

I progressed to biting my lip by this point.

"This is horrible. It's like a really bad fucking improv skit. I can't believe this. Fucking bitch. I don't know how else to say it. How else can I say that? Un-fucking-believable. I'm sorry about this. I meant to do this earlier, but I had to deal with work related things during lunch. I just really need to get this sorted out and taken care of."

I shrugged. I didn't want to chance trying to say something and end up laughing hysterically. I knew it would be impossible to stop myself once I started. I tried to smile and managed a smirk. It was better than laughing, I suppose. It was exactly like a bad fucking improv skit, but it was hilarious. It was fantastically hilarious and horrible.

"Yes, I'm trying to schedule an appointment for my cat. It's her time to leave the planet."

He sighed and explained his problem to the second person.

"She hasn't used the litter box in a week. It's not a sanitary issue, either. I keep it cleaned out. It's been empty for a week and she still hasn't had a bowel movement. She is visibly bloated. I know she has to shit, but she can't. I don't know what else I can do for her. It's just her time and I'm fine with that. Well, I'm not fine with it, but... It's her time to leave the planet. I'd like this to happen as soon as possible. I don't like seeing her like this. Right. Uh, I don't know. I hadn't thought that far into it. I guess I can take the body with me and bury it somewhere. No, that's not necessary. Do you do that? Animal cremation? Oh, well then. Why bring it up? No, I'll take the body with me. Do you have a box or do I need to bring my own? I think I have a shoe box that would work."

I didn't laugh once. I'm proud of my obvious self-control in that situation. I honestly didn't think I could keep it together through that entire phone call or even after. It was a perfect tension release. It was impossible to take anything too seriously after that.

This is still my favorite color.

Since I won't be needing the whole road sign theme any longer, I went back to my roots with a very minimal look with wonderful orange accents. I also added a little foreshadow by way of the background image as to what my new source of income will be for the time being.

If you guessed 'telemarketing', you are correct - but only if you answered in the form of a question and a rhetorical one at that. The correct response should be something like:

Telemarketing?!?!?!?!

I'm desperate for a job and I need that job to start right now. I really don't have time for the whole pursuit of employment shell game right now. I don't have weeks to fill out applications, fax or hand deliver resumes, call to inquire about the status of my application, hopefully schedule an interview during that phone call or a later follow up phone call, woo and impress and negotiate terms during the actual interview, wait for the call back while trying to maintain the perfect balance between desperate and disinterested by not calling them until the exact precise moment, and blah blah blah right now. I need a job immediately and this is one of few jobs that is always hiring and will have me working in days rather than weeks.

I don't officially have the job yet. I just have an interview for Monday. I'm not all that concerned about it. Interviews for jobs like these are formalities at best.

I have submitted about twenty applications. That number does not include this job since I didn't fill out an application for this job. I just dialed a number and answered a few questions over the phone. That's how easy it was and perfect for my situation. The job offers thirty days of paid training - which seems a little absurd and excessive to me, but whatever - which I will be using to pursue those twenty other employment opportunities while collecting a paycheck for doing what already comes naturally to me. It's an obvious bastardization, but desperate times call for equally desperate measures.

I was given the option to enter either the commercial or non-profit program. I chose non-profit because I really rather not be cold-calling people and trying to sell them ridiculous products and services. The non-profit programs available were religious, humanitarian, and political groups. I believe it all involves fundraising. I'll decide which of the three programs to join on Monday, or it might actually be chosen for me. I don't actually have a preference. It's all different shades of green.

So... There's that. Also, I haven't told anyone yet about any of this. I really don't feel like explaining any of this. Maybe I'll break the news to the family after my interview - depending on how it goes. At any rate, their knowledge of the situation and reaction to it are not much of a priority at the moment. My only priority is getting a job - any job at all. I should have that taken care of in a few days.

Common Senseless.

The verdict is in. This has all been a mistake.

There is a part of my brain that does not work very well. I have serious difficulty with anything involving estimation. For concrete examples, it is rather difficult for me to judge distances or dimensions or age. These might seem like simple concepts to the average person, but they are nearly impossible for me. I don't guess, I know things. In other words, I measure, record, analyze. I don't estimate. I can't estimate. That is not how my brain works. I either know something or I don't. There is no gray ambiguous area. When I make an "educated guess", it's not actually a guess. While I can accept two contradictory ideas/theories/concepts as both being simultaneously true/untrue, I can not deal with maybe. It's a shortcoming that has gotten me into trouble before and it continues to cause problems for me now. It's a trade off that I've come to accept. If I were able to choose, I'd keep my brain exactly the way it is.

Unfortunately, I need this ability to perform my job safely and efficiently. There are situations where this skill is critical. I found myself in one of these situations this week. While the results were not disastrous this time, that will not always be the case. This week was a definite wake-up call for me. I have come to the tragic conclusion that I can not perform this job safely lacking this very basic, but essential, ability. I was not the only one to come to this conclusion.

Sadly, I no longer have a job or rewarding/challenging new career. It's entirely my fault, too, for not anticipating this. I just didn't foresee this outcome. Obviously, I wouldn't have wasted the last five months pursuing this career path if I had.

It's all incredibly unfortunate and sad. I'm taking it all surprisingly well. I'm simply taking all this negative energy and channeling it back into finding another job as quickly as possible.

Conditional Job Offer.

Congratulations! [?] is proud to extend you a conditional offer of employment as a driver associate.

Finally got the confirmation email of my conditional job offer. In order to become fully employed by the company, I need to jump through several hoops. I've already managed some of them: hair follicle drug screen, DOT physical - using my recent DOT physical from CDL school a few months ago, and background checks for the states of Texas, Alaska, West Virginia, and Ohio. I am scheduled to attend orientation from 8/3 - 8/9 in Pennsylvania. I will get some local drive time, train in virtual simulators, review electronic logging, practice trip planning, and take a road test which will include coupling/uncoupling a trailer, pre-trip inspection, and a 15-20 minute drive through town to ensure I am a safe enough driver to be allowed to go back out on the road for 4-6 weeks with an actual trainer again - for real this time.

Anyway, I'm excited to be almost employed again. I'm also excited that my pay during orientation and over-the-road training will be double what it was with the previous company. I might actually be able to survive on that. Possibly pay all of my bills rather than prioritizing by due date and amount. I'll also be entitled to mileage to and from orientation. They're even going to feed me twice a day. The less I have to worry about, the better off I'll be. I will have a roommate during orientation. I don't mind that so much. It's only a week. I've dealt with worse for longer, afterall. Besides, I'll be too busy learning to be bothered too much with anything else. It's a few hours a day and then a night of sleeping. No big deal.

After orientation, I drive home and enjoy up to a week of home time before starting out on my next over-the-road adventure. This trainer will not act in the capacity of a teammate. He will not be sleeping while I'm driving and yelling unhelpful bullshit through a closed privacy curtain at me. He won't be driving while I'm trying to sleep or just keep myself from being hurled out of my bunk after a sudden hard brake. He will not be driving at all, actually. I will be driving the entire time and he will be awake and engaged with what I'm doing and where we are at all times. He will be actively assisting me with improving my driving and giving me actual real-time feedback. He's there simply to watch and instruct me. That's fine. I prefer that method. I'll actually get some practice docking and possibly performing 45 degree backing - which I had never seen or done until I arrived at orientation in Dallas for the last company and was expected to perform the manuever for my final test. It took several attempts. I was not happy and the instructors were not impressed, but what do you expect when I've never even seen the manuever much less attempted it? I can parallel park a semi like nobody's business, but that's because I've done it hundreds of times now. I barely managed the 45 degree backing insanity. I would like to practice that more than once before attempting it in a real world situation. I don't think it's very safe to turn someone loose after successfully performing a backing manuever once and only after numerous attempts.

Anticipate another travel map shortly. I have added the link on the menu bar. It's all the way at the bottom. Right now, it's fairly plain and only houses the previous travel map. But, that'll change soon enough. Also, I removed the "currently stuck in..." app. It was a decent idea, but I couldn't edit or update it while on the road, so... Forget it. Besides, after being stuck in Dallas for two weeks, no where else really compares or even bothers me. Maybe I'll set up a slide show or something to replace it.

I'm excited about the additional and proper training, but I'm even more excited about the job that'll be waiting for me afterward. I'll be driving for six days and home for two. I could have elected to work five days and be off for two, but then my days home would always be Tuesday and Wednesday. I remember what it was like to never have a weekend off for years. I'd rather have days off that rotate through the week and allow me to occasionally indulge in having a semi-normal social calendar. Also, I make more money with this schedule sine I'm working an additional ten days over the other option.

The distribution center is 1.5 hours from me but that's not a bad drive if you only make it twice a week - or once roundtrip. I'll load up at the distribution center and unload a little at each store until I'm finally empty. Then I'll head back and reload and take it out to another trail of stores. Once I've done it for a few months, I should know all the different rotations and store locations and routes. It'll get easier with time. I'll have benefits after 90 days and a raise after 6 months - barring any accidents, of course. This is a dedicated route, not a regional route - a mistake I made in a previous post. Dedicated routes are highly covetted. You make serious money and are home every week. I'm really, really lucky to get this. I know that and I fully appreciate it.

Again, Congratulations!